BroScience — U Mad?

Top 10 Types of People on Facebook

by Nir Regev on November 24, 2010

1) The 10 out of 10

Expect 10 million guys commenting/liking every status. Coincidentally expect almost no girl comments on photos, as chicks don’t comment on chicks hotter than them. Be ready for 4,657 friends, all guys who want her or girls who want to use the girls’ status to get sloppy seconds.

2) Spamatron 5000

Remember that one time you were at a club and some random promoter guy talked to you for a few minutes? No? Well he does motherfucker. After you naively add them on Facebook expect ten million invites to parties, groups, and fan pages you don’t care about. This will continue for a certain time span. We call this time span: Forever.

3) The Attention Whore

Every update is the same, “omg i hate my life”, “why does everything happen to me”, “where are all the good guyzz/ girlzz, hate my lifeeeee” attention whoring. Girl most likely is upper middle class, in college with food, and working internet connection. She also has it worse than a 2 year old war orphan in Somalia.

Live. Laugh. Attention Whore ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

4) White Knight Virgin

Oh heavenly blessed beauty won’t you talk to me? The White Knight will ‘like’ and comment every girl’s status and photo within a 20 mile radius, hoping to get laid. Every guy will subconsciously white knight in their youth till they realize what really works. Not giving a fuck. That’s what gets you laid.

Don’t end up like this guy:

5) Forever Alone

Forever Alone hasn’t received a Facebook notification since January 7, 2001. He lives his days reloading his mailbox, checking his Iphone for new messages, uploading photos with no comments or likes except his own. His most recent Friend request came from his mom. Forever alone.

6) The Myspace Angle

Foolish enough to look only at her profile pic you were! How did this occur? Profile pic is white knight bait. Pic was never an eight. Why did you message her that day? Facebook should say how much you weigh.

7) Captain Deactivate

Captain Deactivate will delete her Facebook systematically once or twice a month in a cry for attention. Since everybody knows you can never truly delete your account, people use this method to attention whore. Of course inevitably Captain Deactivate realizes nobody really cares and returns. Only to repeat the cycle a week afterwards.

8 ) What Ever Happened to ____ After Highschool

Before:

After:

How this happened? Was it: Years of binge drinking? Five Kids? One too many boxes of Twinkies? Who knows. Let this be a lesson for you youngsters out there who think you’re gonna be the same forever. Put down the Mountain Dew and Hot Pockets. And the Ben & Jerry’s while watching Twilight.

9) Never Logon Dude

He registered once long, long ago. When Myspace was around, when Facebook didn’t have a stalk feed. When people still used AOL Instant Messenger. Every few years Never Logon Dude will log on , check out some photos of hot chick friends, and disappear once again to the abyss of profiles. Commonly associated with Captain Deactivate.

10) The Most Interesting Man in the World

Doesn’t exist, any dude that interesting would not have a Facebook. And if he did it would be for PR purposes only, and probably written by some schmuck working for him while he was banging supermodels left and right on his yacht in the Caribbean.

-Written by Nir Regev

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The Daily Brologue (12-16-11)

by Nir Regev on December 16, 2011

The new Blackberry 10 has been officially delayed till the end of 2012. The 10 will mark the remaining amount of Blackberry users. (Link)

Ford will recall 129,000 cars because of a minor, barely significant little defect… The wheels may fall off. (Link)

Housing foreclosures have fallen to their lowest level in 3 years. In other news, there are no more homes to foreclose. (Link)

Fox News host Chris Wallace has stated if Ron Paul wins the Iowa Caucus ‘it won’t count’. Wallace went on to tell voters that Gingrich is the frontrunner, emperor, and future supreme chancellor and that’s that. (Link)

Newt Gingrich has pledged not to cheat in marriage a third time… But nobody said anything about a fourth. (Link)

Donald Trump will host a Republican debate featuring Newt Gingrich debating against.. Newt Gingrich. Newt will be consulting rival Mitt Romney on how to successfully argue both sides of an issue. (Link)

Kim Kardashian has called her former husband’s claims of being a ‘disposable groom’ for a ratings pop and money bogus. This divorce news brought to you by Dash™. (Link)

The one percent has discovered 99% of people on Earth are now too broke to buy their products… To infinity and beyond! (Link)

San Francisco will become the first city to increase its minimum wage to $10. In unrelated news, all stores in San Francisco have raised their prices by two dollars. (Link)

Chuck E Cheese has been fined for child labor law violations. Chuck E Cheese, where a kid can be a kid®! (Link)

The Daily Brologue is Written by Nir Regev

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Anyone Who Says Looks Don't Matter is Lying To You

by Nir Regev on November 19, 2010

There’s a crucial reason first impressions have become so vitally important in today’s world. The introduction of the Internet from our computers into our phones, texting, and 24/7 availability has shaped a culture of ‘throw aways’. Companionship and even relationships have become disposable commodities.

There’s always someone else out there, so why sit down and get to know someone? We live in a culture of instant gratification. And there is nothing more instant than looks. Generalizations exist because people don’t have time to spend time with everyone, so they fill in the blanks themselves.

It’s becoming increasingly easier in the modern age to not bother ever talking to someone on a personal level. You just click on a profile, glance at the one dimensional picture and various interests/likes and decide a whole reality. People think they are ‘connected’, but they are farther apart than they ever have been.

It’s a Facebook world, and people care more about their status updates than the welfare of another human being. Just this past Wednesday, TV icon Bill Nye ‘the Science Guy’, collapsed mid-sentence giving a lecture to an audience of hundreds at the University of Southern California.

Do you think students:

A. Rushed onstage to help?

B. Called emergency services?

C. Logged on Twitter and updated their statuses, while letting a man possibly die….

Sadly the answer is C.

Alastair Fairbanks, a USC senior in attendance for Nye’s presentation, told the Los Angeles Times that “nobody went to his aid at the very beginning when he first collapsed — that just perplexed me beyond reason.” The student added, “Instead, I saw students texting and updating their Twitter statuses. It was just all a very bizarre evening.”

Source: http://news.yahoo.com/s/yblog_thelookout/20101117/sc_yblog_thelookout/if-the-science-guy-passes-out-and-nobody-tweets-it-did-it-happen

Since Facebook/Twitter has reduced our social interactions into photos and streaming thoughts, we have no choice but to dive further into the superficial. In a Facebook world, people live behind a camera at all times, all events must be captured and shot in order to be uploaded online in a modern day version of ‘keepin’ up with the Joneses’.

The better looking the person, the more interesting the photos. Subconsciously an attractive person will look good doing anything, and this attribute will correlate to them positively at other areas. This is where we will learn the importance of The Halo Effect.

Tomorrow, stay tuned for an introduction to The Halo Effect and how it affects our daily everyday lives!

-Nir Regev

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Motivational Video of the Day (11/16/10): Arnold Schwarzenegger – Secrets to Success

by Nir Regev on November 16, 2010

The Greatest Motivational Video of all Time. I watch this multiple times a week and it makes me want to work that much harder every time. Arnold is a role model for me, listen to his words.

As an actor they told him he would never make it, ‘your name is too long, too heavy an accent, too big compared to other movie stars of the time’. He ignored it all.. And went on to be the biggest action film star of all time.

‘Determined to be unique. Driven to Think big and Dream big’

Cliffs:

Arnold’s Six Rules of Success -

1. Trust Yourself

2. Break the Rules

3. Don’t be Afraid to Fail

4. Don’t Listen to the Naysayers

5. Work as Hard as Humanly Possible

6. Give Back

-Nir Regev

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What is BroScience?

by Nir Regev on November 16, 2010

Research takes time. Time people don’t have!

If you’re sitting in class right now secretly reading this on your laptop, take a look around. 99% of your classmates wouldn’t even read the cliff notes to Clifford the Big Red Dog. Lettuce be reality.

Say you had to write a 10 page essay on why ole’ Cliffy is so damn big, would you:

A. Visit the local library?

B. Read the material?

C. Hit up girls on Facebook till 4 in the morning. Find barely related quotes off reputable academic resources like AskJeeves. Copypasta. Nine pages double spaced. U mad?

If you chose C,

Congratulations Future Brofesor Brah!

You’re well on your way to a BroScience Ph.D in BS from the University of BroScience! Kudos!

*If you chose A or B, well I guess NASA is hiring, them and Starbucks. Guess which one you’ll be working for!

Here’s Some Cliffs:

BroScience is when someone makes an unsupportable claim, without evidence, support from academic institutions (well maybe Phoenix Online University) or backing from years of non-research.

It is speculation based on gut feelings, presented as fact. Originally coined in bodybuilding circles to explain superstition or progress.

Classic BroScience Examples:
Does eating late make me fat?
Does eating carbs make me fat?

Welcome to the world of BroScience!

-Nir Regev

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Top 10 Types of Blinds for Nerds

by Nir Regev on July 26, 2010

1) First Day of College

It’s your first day of college and you’re ready for action! Are looks hurting your game with the ladies? Darken the place up and even the playing field with all new Roller Shades! Then when you ask that pretty redhead, “You wanna roll with this nightelf?” She’ll undoubtedly say yes.

2) Holidays

What better way to say season’s greetings than with your very own Darth Vader Blind set?!

Block out pesky sunlight the way only the dark side can. Be the envy of all your friends, nerds and hipsters alike! Simply buy some Roman blinds, D.I.Y spraypaint, and before you know it you too will be apart of society’s Imperial Elite.

*Emo glasses, skinny jeans, and unemployment sold separately*

3) On A Date

It’s your first time and it’s the most action you’ve gotten since carpel tunnel syndrome!

That’s right you have a date, but before you break out the Lord of the Rings DVD set, you might wanna set the mood just right with Honeycomb Shades.

Cause there’s nothing sweeter than honey, mom told you about the birds and the bees, time to put this hypothesis to the test!

4) At The Office

“What are you doing in there?!” Getting bothered by your boss again?

Being accused of looking at internet pornography when you’re just playing World of Warcraft? Put down the Mountain Dew because you’re gonna want All New 1 Inch Mini Blind designed for the Geek on a budget! Gain confidence and proudly yell to the world I have a 1 Inch Mini!

5) The Honeymoon

What better way to spend a honeymoon than with your first love, videogames?

Mario never judged you on looks, and neither will your blinds! Cause when you bask in the warm glow of Princess Toadstool you’re gonna want to focus on the pixels that matter and not the sun.

That’s why you need the essence of Wood.. Wood Blinds that is!! Never again will a spec of light fluster your casual Friday Night date with the Princess.

6) The College Mixer

Talk nerdy to her! It’s time to break out your vast knowledge of exotic cultures by showing your Bamboo Blinds! After all, she may come to your dorm room for the Dragon Ball Z but if you play your cards right she’ll stay for the bamboo!

7) Mom’s House

Who needs blinds when you live in your mom’s basement? Why you of course!

Get the feel of a realistic 3D world from the comfort of your basement with Darkening Mini Blinds! It’s almost like actually being upstairs!

8 ) At the Movies

Who needs to go thru the hassle of lines and confusion when you can watch movies from the comfort of your own home or basement!

13 dollars for a movie ticket? Pssh, you have Netflix and enough Hot Pockets to feed a small village in Africa! Just remember to shield yourself from the sun’s violent rays and you too can live long and prosper.

9) Birthday!

Spend your birthday how it was meant: In a Chucky Cheese custome!

That’s right you grew up going to Chucky Cheese to play videogames and eat pizza and now you’re going to play videogames and eat pizza.. But for minimum wage! Ah the joys of adulthood.

It gets hot in there! So protect yourself by casting a shadow over other youngsters dreams with Wood Blinds!

10) Bachelor Party

Cause every party is a Bachelor Party! That’s how you roll, so prepare for this summers get together with Summer Roller Shades! Because the only Vitamin D you’re getting this July is Sunny D.

-Written by Nir Regev

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Top 7 Types of Kids at Restaurants

by Nir Regev on May 6, 2010

1) OMG Text Girl

Who are these kids texting, Obama? Cell phones are the worst things to happen to kids since child labor laws and Justin Bieber.

2) Anytime at California Pizza Kitchen

It always starts off the same, you book a nice romantic dinner for two and order. Sound good? Wrong! California Pizza Kitchen time bitch!!! Expect 500 kids to stampede in out of nowhere.

3) Mr. Class

In the 90s parents dressed up their kids with classy suits and bowties. In the 2000s they have fauxhawks, eyeliner, and their sisters jeans. Neither generation scored.

4) Master of Comedy

The master of comedy does not realize food is not for playing with, because kids these days are total dumbasses. 6000 kids googled instructions for ‘How to eat’ while you read this article.

5) Troll Baby

Troll baby is so alpha he can openly ruin your dinner from birth. WAHHHHHHHHHH!!! WAHHHHAAHAH! U Mad?

6 ) Like Father, Like Son

Nothing worse than a parent who joins in and tries to be a kid again. Kid at heart…. I’ll be over there calling security.

7) Hungry Boy is Hungry

These days a serving size means an entire table.

-Written by Nir Regev

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New York Times: Fat Is In

by Nir Regev on August 16, 2009

Prada sunglasses, girl jeans, fat. Millions of fatties rejoiced yesterday when Guy Trebay of the New York Times announced the latest new fad. The sumo look. Guy has done much research regarding the matter, and maintains ‘hipsters’ are purposely gaining weight because President Obama is in shape.

“If we had a slob in the White House, all the hipsters would turn into some walking Chippendales calendar,”

That’s right stick it to the man! Sure rebelling in the 60s was about music and sex. But we’ve evolved past that, now its about Twinkies, texting, and finding ways to not get laid. It’s kind of like Woodstock, if Woodstock totally sucked.

“I sort of think the six-pack abs obsession got so prissy it stopped being masculine”- Aaron Hicklin.

The key to masculinity:

You may notice the lack of females, food supply was short.

Fat Source: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/13/fashion/13POTBELLY.html

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Obama: Grandma Will Live

by Nir Regev on August 13, 2009

Old people can rest easy tonight, President Obama has made it clear there’s no plan to ‘pull the plug on granny’. When he was talking about end of life care, he meant extra packs of Depends and new bubble wrap for their furniture.

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